Who am I?

In the last few months I've been pondering a lot about who I am and how much I show that to people around me. Sometimes writing things down can say much more than speaking them. I will try to express who I am and who it is I want to be. Some of these things many of you will know. There may be some things that surprise you. I might even throw a little humor in there as well.

It's sometimes best to know where someone comes from to know why they are the way they are. I have Italian and Scottish roots. Being half Italian, that side seems to come out the strongest. Having both of those origins makes it no surprise that I have a very strong passion for life. I am an emotional person. I grew up in Orem with an amazing family. My parents always showed love through words and actions. We were always an affectionate family. I looked up to my brothers and sister with great admiration for who they were becoming.

I can't say enough about my parents. They are such loving and faithful people. They always tried to do what they thought was best for us. We always had family prayers at night with whoever was home at the time. I have no doubt that did a lot for our family strength. They always supported us in sports, music, and dance. They were willing to talk to us about whatever may have been bothering us. They would discipline us when we needed it, but would always remind us that they loved us.

Marco, the oldest, was almost bigger than life. He always had the coolest friends. He was smart and athletic. I wanted to be like him a lot. I was never good at expressing that and more often than not just became a nuisance to him and his friends. When he got home from his mission I felt like he became a third parent and wanted to go against what he would ask of me. Now that I've grown up a bit I often seek his advice and counsel on many matters in my life.

Lisa and I were always pretty close. She would get me all dressed up and put makeup on me and have me show my parents. Luca was much more reluctant, but she usually got him too. As she got older and into high school she shaped different parts of my personality. She introduced me to punk music. I will always associate Blink 182's album Dude Ranch with my sister. She even introduced me to Ernie's. As much as I love my brothers, Lisa will always have a special place with me.

Luca and I are an interesting story. We were always together when we were younger. Always playing together and just hanging out like buddies. Jr. High came around and we started becoming very different people. We didn't have the same taste in music, friends, or hobbies. It was always a little bit of a competition between us to be better than the other. We were never really close through Jr. High or High school. Once Luca left on his mission we became a lot closer. Funny how distance and time can make relationships stronger for some.

I absolutely love sports. Sports are more than just games to me. It's about struggle. It's about heart and soul. I have so much respect for people who dedicate their lives to being the best at what they do. Watching them put that effort into play can be such a beautiful things. Anyone who knows me knows how avid of a BYU football fan I am. When I am married I only ask for 13 days of the year for me. 13 days of BYU football in the year. Is that really too much to ask for? She can have the other 342 days.

Looking back on my life I can see when I was determined to do something I almost always succeeded. Unfortunately I've also always had a fear of failure. To this day I still get scared about starting things, not knowing if I will be able to do it. It's kept me from many things in my past. I am starting to overcome that fear.

I have a hard time accepting compliments sometimes. Often I feel like I get attention which is not deserved. I don't know how to react in those situations. I know I should just say thank you and be grateful, but it's hard to do. I don't mind attention when I've done something to receive it, bad or good. My birthday is sometimes difficult because of this reason.

As I said before, I am an emotional person. It is not difficult for me to cry. I wish it was easier for me to hold the tears back at times. Other times I am grateful that I can show that emotion outwardly. It is difficult for me to become really angry. Sometimes my excitement can be confused with anger or frustration. I usually will not be angry with someone unless I feel they are spitefully trying to hurt or manipulate me. I can and do become frustrated with family and friends. But I am quick to let those emotions go. Most of the time I am pretty happy. You will usually find me joking and teasing.

I worry so much about the future. I don't think its a healthy thing sometimes. I worry if I will make something worth while of myself. I worry that I will be a good husband and father. I wonder if I am being a good friend, brother, and son. Most of the time this worrying comes as I lay in bed at night.

I love music. Music can absolutely soothe my soul, it can get me pumped up, and it can get me deep into thought. I don't like angry music. I really hate screamo. I don't like most country music, although there are a few songs I don't mind. I love listening to rap when I'm with Leif. Mostly I just like relaxing and chill music.

There is a lot I am still figuring out and discovering. Most importantly though, here is what I know for certain. I am the son of a loving Father in Heaven. He knows me perfectly and is aware of my needs. There is within me divine potential. My strongest desires are to please him. It is easy in life to forget how strong those desires are. No matter where I am though, as long as I take a step back and look around I always remember.

These are a few things that I've thought about. I could keep going, but this post would be way too long. There will be more later.